The first time I saw “Road Trip,” that classic Tom Green teen sex romp, I remember thinking, ‘girls don’t walk around naked in the locker room!’ Well, apparently I was wrong. I’m only in the third month of my YMCA membership and I’ve already seen enough dimply asses to last me a lifetime. Women do walk around naked in the locker room. And bend over. And squat. And just generally show off their jibblies without a hint of modesty or regard for others. It’s gotten to the point where I keep my eyes trained on the floor as I walk to my locker to avoid any full-frontal assault.
Speaking of the YMCA, I have been finding myself there at least three times per week for the last couple of months. They offer a lot of different exercise classes, and I've been taking advantage of pilates, hot yoga, and Zumba classes every week. The thought of spending an hour on a treadmill isn't super appealing, and I've found that I enjoy moving my butt in unnatural directions a lot more when it is in a class setting.
Zumba is by far the funnest class that I take. I was introduced to Zumba back last fall when a class was started in Hayden Elementary School's lunchroom. Me, my mom, my friend Katie, and Katie's fiancee's mom started attending these $5-per-session classes, and I was giddy to discover that dancing around like a crazy person was an actual method of exercise. And we got to wear hip scarves! You know, the coin-encrusted tie-on skirts that belly dancers use to create the jingly-bottom effect? It sounds silly, but it totally takes the class to another level. I was ecstatic to discover that the Y offered Zumba too. A typical Zumba class consists of trying to follow along with the instructor as she does choreographed dances to popular upbeat songs. Most songs have a Latin flair, though each instructor tailors their class to their own interests. My instructor at the Y, Ashita, seems to be of Indian descent (dots, not feathers) so we do a lot of Bollywood-style waving of the arms and bouncing of the feet. Also, a large percentage of the people in the class are African-American so "Proud Mary" shows up from time to time, along with a lot of hip hop. It is sublime. Ashita also uses a lot of newer popular music. Last week, we danced to Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." I think I was the only one singing along while dancing, but I couldn't help myself. I think everyone should try Zumba at least once. And if you're worried that you're not a good dancer or that people will laugh at your pitiful flailing and stumbling, just remember that as long as you are moving and having fun, that's all that matters. Take a girl in my class for example. She shows up early every week to get the very front and center spot in the class, and she must have some amazing self-esteem, because she looks ridiculous when she dances. She is the gangliest, awkwardest, most off-beat dancer I have ever seen. It's a real wonder that she is able to stay upright the whole hour. But she just goes for it. I mean, she seriously GOES FOR IT! I admire her for her courage. I just try to stay out of the way of her elbows.
As for pilates and yoga, the slower pace makes for less opportunity to put an eye out, but they are full of dangers all their own. As you might imagine, twisting yourself into strange new positions, some of them upside-down, causes fluids and gases to move around inside your body as they normally wouldn't. The first couple of times I do a forward fold (just bending down to touch your toes) all the blood rushes to my head and I get a little wobbly. The teacher always says something like, "Feel all the energy rushing to your brain!" and I want to reply that I have so much energy in my brain, I'm about to fall over. That's far from the worst of it though. There is a very distinct reason why they tell you not to eat anything 3 hours prior to practicing yoga or pilates. It's not for your benefit. It's for the benefit of those in your immediate vicinity. The first time it happened to me, I was so mortified I wanted to grab my mat and flee. We were in the middle of doing roll-ups in pilates, and I was having a little trouble with the up part. A roll-up is like a very slow sit up. And since my abs had been in hiding since 1997 and were still in the process of emerging from a deep deep sleep, they weren't being very cooperative. I could roll about halfway up, but then I would get stuck and have to grab my thigh to help me the rest of the way. Everyone else in the room seemed to have been born doing roll-ups (even the non-Heidi Klums), and I was getting mad. I decided that I was really gonna give it my all, and do a freakin' roll-up whether my abs wanted to allow it or not (I'm trying to drag out the suspense, but I'm not going to insult your intelligence. You already know where this is going). On my way up, I squeezed my abs as hard as I could and kinda jerked my head and back forward. The jerk not only propelled me successfully upward, it also propelled a loud fart out from between my clenched buttocks. I'm sure it sounded much louder in my head than in the room because nobody reacted, but it was all I could do to keep from bursting out into panicked psychopathic giggles and running for my life. In retrospect, after having heard numerous other farty emissions from my fellow practitioners, I realize that passing gas is a normal result from the twisting and compressing of the internal organs that comes from pilates and yoga. There's really nothing to be done about it. But now I make sure to pull up my mat next to the old people that sometimes come to class. Not only do they make me look good (no roll-ups there either), I can blame any and all gassy noises on them.
The yoga class I go to is called hot yoga, which means they heat the room up before class and you sweat about 10 times more than normal. It actually feels great. I am in awe of my yoga teacher's flexbilities. I am also a bit scared of her. She is very nice, but I just have the feeling that she is someone who wouldn't hesitate to rip my ass to shreds if for some reason I ever dared to cross her. Not being one to instigate sweaty throwdowns, I meekly obey everything she says to the best of my limited ability and then scamper out of class with a quiet "namaste" at the end. She's very good about reminding us to breathe, which strangely enough is quite easy to forget. She also constantly reminds us to tighten our abdominal muscles by saying "abs engage" at least twice a minute. Either she's telling us to engage our abs and the "d" drops off the end due to her Afro-American accent, or rather, she's commanding our abs to engage themselves, as in "Abs, engage!" I like the second possibility because it takes the responsibility away from me and puts it on my abs. Therefore, if I continue to have weak abs, it's their own fault and I can't be held accountable.
Here's some fun resources for those interested in yoga or pilates. Zumba is trademarked so there are no free classes online at this time. Boo :(
Free Pilates Workout online (http://www.pilatesworkoutonline.com/)- You can build your own workout by adding video clips together.
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